I recently listened to a thoughtful, honest, and straightforward conversation on the Huberman Lab podcast, where Andrew Huberman hosted Terry Real—a renowned psychotherapist, bestselling author, and one of the leading voices on men's emotional lives and relationships.

Their conversation revolved around a central question: What is healthy masculinity, and how do men actually build it?

Among the many topics they discussed—relationships, loneliness, purpose, addiction, and emotional development—two stood out for me: men's self-esteem and men's relationship with vulnerability.

Self-Esteem

Many men struggle here. Either they avoid guilt altogether, slipping into self-entitled grandiosity, or they collapse into shame and avoidance: "I'd better stay quiet." Terry Real argues that both reactions keep the focus on the self and eventually become destructive in relationships, limiting personal growth. The alternative is different: developing an internal anchor of self-worth while taking responsibility for one's mistakes without dismissing or attacking oneself.

He suggests that this shift alone changes the way a man responds to conflict, failure, and intimate relationships—and I identify with that.

In my own understanding, self-worth has three dimensions:

• What I think about myself.
• What others think about me.
• What I think others think about me.

The third is something I can never fully know or control. That is why it seems wiser to invest primarily in living a life I can stand behind—measuring myself by the values I live by rather than by performance or the constantly changing opinions of others.

Of course, this is easier said than done. Men continue to be evaluated, by themselves and by others, according to their competence, strength, and ability to provide. The modern economy has only intensified those pressures. External validation—especially financial success—still carries enormous weight in how many men experience their own worth.

Yet this is not a zero-sum game. A man does not have to choose between confidence and humility, or between caring what others think and caring what he thinks of himself. Self-worth exists on a continuum between internal and external sources. The healthier goal is to strengthen the internal anchor while remaining open to the feedback and appreciation of others.

Cultivating that inner sense of worth is a lifelong task. It develops through reflection, honesty, and taking responsibility for one's actions. Finding a partner who appreciates one's emotional qualities and remains supportive through life's inevitable imperfections is the relational goal worth pursuing.

Vulnerability and Intimacy

A stable sense of self-worth also changes something else: our willingness to become vulnerable.

From my understanding of Terry Real's work, the ability to express vulnerability in the right context is one of the foundations of intimate relationships.

More men need to understand that vulnerability does not require abandoning strength, competence, or the capacity to lead under pressure. Those qualities remain valuable. In a world that can still be demanding, uncertain, and sometimes dangerous, men are often called upon to be firm, decisive, and protective.

The challenge is not choosing between strength and sensitivity. It is learning when each serves us best.

This is the foundation of what I see as the Integrated Model of Healthy Masculinity. It recognizes the enduring value of traditional masculine qualities—such as strength, endurance, courage, responsibility, and competence—while also cultivating emotional awareness, openness, vulnerability, empathy, and connection. These are not opposing forces. They are complementary capacities that psychologically mature men learn to integrate.

A man who can move between these modes—who knows when to stand firm and when to soften, when to lead and when to open up, when to perform and when to connect—is better equipped for both the outside world and his closest relationships.

That flexibility is not confusion, nor is it weakness.

It is psychological maturity.

As open societies continue to redefine expectations of men, boys increasingly need models that teach both competence and connection. Healthy masculinity is not about abandoning traditional strengths, nor about returning to rigid stereotypes. It is about developing the psychological range to respond wisely to different situations, different people, and different stages of life.

That, to me, is one of the most promising directions in which we can help the next generation of boys become healthy men.